Empowering Kids to Deal with
Bullies and Low Self-esteem
By Kathy Noll, Author - "Taking the Bully by
Did you know that 23% of 9th graders have carried
a weapon to school recently? According to the US Justice Department, one out of
three kids will be offered or sold drugs at school while one out of four kids is
bullied either mentally or physically every day. Do we really know what happens
to our kids when they leave the safety of our homes to go to school?
Unfortunately, bullying and child violence have become quite common themes in
every school across the country, and outside the US as well.
Dr. Jay Carter and myself have written a book, and run a web site, that helps
parents, teachers, and kids learn the skills they need to deal with bullies and
low self-esteem. On this journey, we've encountered many sad stories that are
all too real.
One that really stands out in my mind, and heart, is in the form of a letter
written by a woman in IL. She starts out by thanking me for writing my book and
wishing she would've had it for her son, Ricky, 5 years earlier.
Ricky was tormented every day at school by his "bullies." He was an
asthmatic, and continually his classmates would take his inhaler medication from
him to spray on themselves, in the air - essentially wasting it. This went on
until one cold day in December, 1994, that has left his mother devastated. Ricky
was found dead at school. He died of an asthma attack. His
inhaler, found empty.
This is only one of many depressing stories. We've all had bad experiences to
some degree that seem to be too close to home. But what can we do?
One of the things that Dr. Carter and myself did to bring awareness
was in collaboration with NBC10 News out of Philadelphia. At a local middle
school, we hid 5 cameras in a classroom of 8th graders. Only one child,
in on our "sting" operation. He played the role of a bully while
wearing a wire microphone. We then hid in a nearby classroom and monitored his
classmates reactions as he proceeded to harass them. He harassed them with the
arrogance that only a bully knows. We had him making fun of people, pushing and
shoving, and giving off a real "I'm the only all important one"
The reactions varied as you can imagine. They were about as different as every
child's personality. Some moved out of his way, timid and frightened, while
others stood up for themselves screaming, "Get some manners!" One girl
smacked him in the forehead! But we were also touched by the concern of many. We
listened as they approached the teacher and expressed concern for Jonathan's
behavior. They felt he must really be hurting inside to be taking out so much
frustration on them.
Bullies really do have low self-esteem. If there is something about themselves
they don't like, they feel that by putting you down, and teasing you, they are
distracting from their own problems. Bullies are also angry. Most likely they
were also bullied at some point. We call this the "Bully Cycle." Also
in question would be the negative influence of peers, caretakers
who may have abused or enabled them, and exposure to violence in the media.
What can the victim do about his/her bully? Try confronting them and telling
them how they are making you feel. "What did I do to you?" In many
situations ignoring has the best results. If the bully no longer gets a reaction
out of you, he/she will usually move on. It is no longer any fun. But what about
the bully who is very abusive or violent? Make sure the school
knows what is going on, and if they are unwilling to get involved, you need to
contact the bully's parents. This type of bully should be avoided at all costs.
Traveling to school in a group, and staying away from empty buildings are other
I'm sure you'll all agree that both the victims and bullies need help and
support. Teach them that their actions have consequences. Instill in them the
Rules for Fighting Fair: Identify the problem. Focus on the problem. Attack the
problem, not the person. Listen with an open mind. Treat a person's feelings
with respect. And finally - Take responsibility for your actions.
Let's all do our part to help prevent the children of our future from becoming
If you are interested in seeing the segment we filmed for the 6 o'clock news at
NBC10 in Philadelphia, please contact your local NBC stations and ask them to
carry the piece on bullies that appeared Feb. 15, 2000.
If you'd like to learn more about bully and
self-esteem issues, please visit our web site at: http://hometown.aol.com/kthynoll
Peace Education Project